The Phasing Narcissist

Nov 06

What is a phasing narcissist?  Well…it is complicated.  However, we will start with the basics.

There is a difference between the phasing narcissist and a narcissist who phases.  The phasing narcissist can be anybody at any time, but they usually appear in oneself after emotional trauma of some sort.  This could be a woman or a man after/during a divorce, it could be an employee who had their ideas stolen …others have taken credit for and were promoted because of those ideas… you get the idea.

You see, a phasing narcissist has one purpose and one purpose only…protection.  Also, it is a phase.  This means the length of the narcissistic behavior is generally limited and is in direct proportion to the awareness of how such behavior affects other parties.  Have you ever dated a guy or a girl that says, “I just don’t know what I want, but I certainly love all of the attention I get from you!”  This person probably started out as an empath and they are now a phasing narcissist.  They used to be very loving, kind, giving, protective and intuitive.  So, what happened?  Life, that is what happened.

When an empath has been hurt over and over again to the point of thinking about death or just giving up on life, the empath builds a serious wall.  They trust no one.  They literally put people through the ringer to prove loyalty and love.  They may project.  Yes, you heard me…project.  This is highly dangerous and destructive.  It is not surprising however, that when empaths are phasing narcissists they will inevitably meet one another because their energy matches.

So, what is projection?  Have you ever had anyone just unleash a tirade on you for no reason?  One minute everything is fine and the next minute it is world war three because you did not put the dishes in the right place in dishwasher?  Accuse you in a painful and hurtful way?  You have?  Well then, you have a phasing narcissist.  Projection is when one person accuses or blames their girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, husband or wife for no logical reason.  This is when they have past baggage, regret and fear they have either not had the opportunity to deal with or have not been given the opportunity to express in a healthful way.  It is when all of the past anger comes out and is directed to the person they know would never hurt them.  That person is the one they love.

Why does this happen?  When someone is going through a narcissistic phase they generally feel slighted or undervalued.  Because they are unable to confidently and rationally express themselves to the one they love (usually because they are “iced out” or ignored or kept in the dark) they will hurt before they get hurt.  They will leave before they are left.  Generally, phasing narcissists also have issues with abandonment.  Why get in a relationship if they are just going to leave anyway?  Why put in any effort if they are just going to take your energy and your love then walk away?  This is what a phasing narcissist thinks.

In most cases, a phasing narcissist will not openly harm you in front of others.  It is usually one-on-one.  Alternatively, it can be done in secret as well.  A phasing narcissist believes they are owed love, kindness, honesty and energy because of what they have already gone through with someone else. They will put in little to no effort into a friendship or a relationship. Honestly, it is heartbreaking.  Why is this?  Unfortunately, their behavior ultimately creates more phasing narcissists.  Around and around we go!  Uggh right?

A phasing narcissist is a prime target for the narcissist who phases.  So what is the difference?  A narcissist who phases will always eat your energy for lunch and your soul for dessert.  They start by being great friends, then the feelings come in and they talk about how you are their soulmate as their eyes dance in the light of the moon or the bar lights, they give you gifts and generally highly impractical but not always. Once they have you and you think you have found the one and you can heal from all of that past pain…the manipulation sets in.  They just “show up” wherever you are (more than once of course, coincidences do happen after all), they start to tell people about you as if they own you, they lay on a massive guilt trip, they will also never start a fight… they are just “disappointed” and “sad” …and after all they have done for you!… blah blah blah….  then they lie in wait for that one trip-up.  The trip-up is when your words come out wrong and they accuse you of accusing them just to pull energy from you.  You see, they need your energy good or bad because they have to feed.  Then they leave because they want to see you in pain without them.  Here’s the rub…. this was already planned well in advance.   It is all about control of money, status and/or energy.

The result in all of this is that the phasing narcissist should RUN as far as they can, but they usually don’t.  They get sucked in and then it is too late.  The narcissist who is phasing already knows the phasing narcissist’s family, friends, secrets, lies, favorite bar, favorite everything…sound a bit dangerous?  Yep, it is.  By the way, they are just getting started.

So how do you know who you are dealing with? How do you know if you are a phasing narcissist?  How should you handle a narcissist?  This is difficult to describe to say the least, but here are some clues.  If the majority of these characteristics are present in one person then you may have a narcissist who is phasing or a phasing narcissist.


  1. A phasing narcissist is generally going through a break-up or has suffered great trauma they have not properly dealt with yet.
  2. A phasing narcissist does not share with people easily but is generally kind
  3. A phasing narcissist is highly indecisive or cancels frequently
  4. A phasing narcissist likes to receive love and attention but is very frugal with giving it out
  5. A phasing narcissist can be impetuous, blow-up for no reason, go missing for days with no contact


  1. Their number one goal is status, money, control and/or energy
  2. Starts out by acting like an empath
  3. Gives gifts that are usually impractical but not always, and gifts are usually tacky or something they would want not what you would want
  4. Show up out of the blue to your home or a function you told them about, but you did not invite them (happens more than once and is not coincidental)
  5. Asks you several times to attend public functions with them as their date or as “their friend” even though you have said no several times
  6. Talk frequently about being soulmates very early on in the phasing process ( 2 – 3 weeks)
  7. Invites themselves to functions you are attending when the function was mentioned in a group setting (needs witnesses and wants to put you in a precarious position…e.g., if you say no you will look mean or selfish)
  8. Once you get a bit uncomfortable with all of the attention or feel their intentions may not be in your best interest and you back off a bit, the questions and the guilt ensues
  9. You are baited with loaded questions and when the time is right they will strike with accusations and blame
  10. They lie – all of the time
  11. When you ask them about their lies they immediately switch the blame to you e.g., You don’t trust me? Who told you that? I thought we were friends!
  12. Once all of the above phases have been complete they now start the game…. do you really want to play?


  1. Require honesty and respect in relationships at all times and do not allow someone to invade your space if you do not want it invaded
  2. A narcissist likes a lot of attention, generally, so this may be a clue to look for while out in public, but other factors should be present before considering them a narcissist.
  3. If you are an empath you are already a TARGET
  4. If you feel a narcissist is phasing you or you feel someone is getting too close to fast and it is not comfortable to you …cut bait and leave…absolutely no contact.
  5. If you feel something is “off” listen to your intuition, something probably is
  6. If someone tries to control your property or your friends or decides who you should or should not hang out with …watch out.

I hope this article helps everyone to spot a phasing narcissist or a narcissist who phases.  Both are very dangerous.  However, to be fair, a phasing narcissist could come out of it, but it takes time and space.  They will either return to their empathic source with a good measure of boundaries (the way it should be!) or they will likely become a narcissist if awareness is not experienced.

I welcome comments!

Love and Light to All


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